You Are Not Aradia Megido
by TheFeminineRobot
Summary: Your name is Aradia Megido, and it's almost time for you to go. There's something that you need to do first, though... -AradiaxSollux-


Your name is Aradia Megido, and you don't want to be a robot. You stare blankly at the computer screen in front of you. Of course you aren't showing any emotion. You're a giant piece of walking metal. You clench and unclench your fist a few times. That doesn't mean you don't _feel_ anything.

You take a quick glance to your left and immediately regret it. _He's smiling._ Gog, how that made your cold heart ache. You wanted to be the reason that he smiled like you used to be. The long hours spent chatting to each other over Trollian, the times you dragged him along on your little adventures. The bittersweet memories flooded your mind. You would cry if you could.

Now, he's found happiness in _her_. The highblood. The troll you so desperately wished you could be. Instead of being the intimidating angry and violent 'bot, you wanted to be the soft and kind-hearted fushia-blood. Instead of everyone shying away when you entered the room, they would smile brightly at you and greet you like you weren't a monster.

_But you are a monster._

You freeze as the thought enters your mind without your permission. Were you a monster? Is that what your friends thought of you now? _Friends_. You scoff aloud, earning yourself a few strange looks from your still-living companions. Do they still consider you their friend? You wouldn't be surprised if that was answered in the negative.

_You're running out of time._

Your fingers move towards the keyboard. You don't think you would be able to handle walking over there now. Would he be frightened? Would he try to get away from you? A heavy feeling sets in your chest that tells you he would. He doesn't want you. He probably hates you now. It seemed like everyone else did.

**apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]**

Oh, Gog, you opened the chat. What were you supposed to _say_? You wanted to break down into pieces. No, that would come later. For now, you have to tell him-

_Tell him what exactly_?

You aren't even sure _what_ you want to tell him. You just want him to _know_. To know that you still _care_. That you want him to have everything he's ever hoped for, even if that didn't include you. Why?

_Because you're a monster_.

**AA: hi**

You sent it. No more denying the inevitable. Just now, you have slightly less time than before. Ironic, the Maid of Time can't even handle her own affairs properly.

**TA: hii?**

A pang of hurt crossed over your features. You aren't sure what you were hoping for. Your eyes lingered on that question mark. You couldn't look over at him because you knew he was probably staring at you now. He's wondering why you're talking to him. Why the monster is saying anything at all rather than hurting someone or acting like she's fearless because she knew everything.

**_You are absolutely terrified_****.**

**AA: i guess i sh0uld say s0mething**

**AA: bef0re i g0**

What was there to say? You didn't have time to process it. You could hear Sollux typing angrily from his chair two seats away from yourself.

**TA: aradiia, ii am riight glubbiing here, liike two feet away from you.**

_Glubbing_.

That was what Feferi always said. You supposed there was always that shred of hope, but that was all gone now. Sollux had adapted to his new-

_Take a deep breath_.

-new _Matesprit's_ actions. He always hated going with you on digs. He hated leaving his hive at all. And now, he probably hates you too. You wish you could have given him something like that-something that he could hold on to and use.

But, you aren't his Matesprit anymore.

_Because you died and became a monster_.

**TA: iif you want two 2ay 2omethiing two me why don't you ju2t turn two your left and 2ay iit, iit'2 bad enough that you've hardly 2aiid two lou2y word2 two me 2iince you became that 2weaty a22hole'2 2moochbot.**

You didn't know what to do. You were torn between denying any relations with the maker of your current body and telling Sollux that you still loved him. Even in this body that wasn't yours, you loved Sollux with everything in your being.

But that would get you nowhere. And you're running out of time.

**AA: i kn0w**

**AA: but this is had f0r me**

**TA: how ii2 iit hard. **

**TA: you are a tiin can, robot2 don't have feeliing2.**

That struck a nerve.

_So this __**is**__ how everyone viewed you_. _Even the troll you thought would be by your side forever can't stand you._

**AA: n0 thats n0t true**

You had feelings, and they were currently being crushed. You're so stupid! Why couldn't you do anything right? This could have been simple. You could just tell him that he'll be alright. You could have not spoken to him at all. You could have just _left_.

**TA: ok then, what ii2 iit. **

**AA: s0rry ab0ut everything **

**AA: and all the bad luck y0uve had **

**AA: y0u didnt deserve it **

**AA: i have t0 g0 n0w**

Go where? Where are you going? Are you dying again? You aren't even sure of your own fate. You could see him stiffen from the corner of your eye.

_Does he still care_?

You shake your head at that thought. Of course not. No one cares about you anymore. The Aradia Megido they once knew was _dead_. _Dead_ and _gone_. Their friend has passed away. You're just a shell of the troll she once was.

**TA: what, where are you goiing? **

**AA: im n0t sure**

At least you answered truthfully. Where you will end up, you don't even know. You just know that you won't be _here_. You won't get to see the troll you love be flushed for someone else. You won't get to see him move on with his life while you're _dead_.

**TA: er, cool ii gue22?**

You closed your eyes briefly. That was a customary response. It doesn't matter what happens to the '_tin can_.'

**AA: anyway thats it **

You weren't sure how much heartache you could take before you broke down. Sollux no longer felt _anything_ for you. He didn't see you as a friend nor a troll.

_You are not Aradia Megido._

**TA: waiit. **

What now? Did he want to tell you that he's sorry? Or that he doesn't even care. The latter seemed more likely.

**TA: you mean for good, wiill ii see you agaiin?**

How were you supposed to answer that? You want to tell him yes, that you'll meet again soon. You desperately wish that this wasn't goodbye. You want to tell him that it will all be okay and that everything will turn out positively.

_But that isn't true_.

So, you tell him what you do know.

**AA: i d0nt kn0w that either **

_Absolutely nothing._

**AA: but i guess if y0u d0 **

**AA: pr0bably n0t with y0ur eyes**

Or something along those lines. The timelines ended up with the loss of eyesight. Though, at this point in time, you couldn't care less about those. You peeked over at him briefly. He was absolutely puzzled and-

_He looked hurt_.

You mentally degraded yourself. You _love_ him and you're sitting here being _vague_ and _hurtful_ and now you _upset him_ and you just want to explode.

**TA: what the hell i2 that 2uppo2ed two mean?**

You shake your head. It means what you said. Now was not the time to be dense, Sollux.

**AA: i think y0ull be 0k with it th0ugh**

**AA: 0_0**

It all seemed too impersonal. Like you were talking to a stranger rather than the troll you had been flushed for as long as you could remember.

**AA: i wish **

**AA: i c0uld s0meh0w make that em0tic0n smile **

**AA: 0u0 **

**AA: n0 that l00ks stupid **

**AA: 0h well**

At least you tried.

**apocalypseArisen [AA] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA]**

You had nothing more to say. You pushed back your chair and stood up.

_It's now or never_.

You walk over to Sollux, who stands up as well with a confused look on his face. That face that you had known for so many sweeps and had never appreciated as much as you did in that moment.

You smile at him.

It was awkward. The metal around your mouth was not supposed to bend that way. He seemed uncomfortable, but who wouldn't be? The razor-sharp fangs that lined your lips weren't the dull and nonthreatening teeth that you used to have. The blue color only added to the sharpness and the coldness of your exterior.

You know how you look. Your bright red eyes were wide and round with what used to be called innocence, but now looked like pure hatred. Your mouth was scrunched up to where it seemed like you were preparing to bite someone. Yet, you hoped that he saw that you were trying to be Aradia, trying to look like the girl you once were.

With only a moment's hesitation, you slipped your arms around him. He was warm, and smelled of honey. _Oh_ how you _missed_ that scent.

He didn't hug you back.

You took a step back, the grimace only you could call a smile still on your face. If it was possible, you would probably be crying.

_But it's not_.

You feel your circuits start to heat up, and the currents of electricity are starting to become visible on the outside of your body.

_This is it._

You never took your eyes off of him as you felt your body start to twist and bend in ways that it should have never gone. There was a fire in your chest. You opened your mouth to speak, but never got the chance to say anything.

It happened before you realized that it had even started. You, Aradia Megido, had died _again_. You left him behind _again_. If you had only had just a little more _time_…

_"I love you."_


End file.
